Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize