I feel like I'm in dance class right now
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
