Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I lost the right to judge tonight
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
