just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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