got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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