When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Drunk is a universal language darling
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
