I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
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