Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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