So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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