K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Randomize
