I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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