Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
