We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
