Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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