Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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