I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
