just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
