I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
My hand turned me down
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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