i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
