My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
