i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
