It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
