My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Randomize
