She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
