I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
