Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
