I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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