i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
as a side note pls kill me
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
