he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
