She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
