my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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