i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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