I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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