forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
