Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
