Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
