Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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