Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Randomize
