WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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