Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
