Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
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