Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
