Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
