if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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