How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I love you. Go after that dick
Randomize
