Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
