The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
