I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
