I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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