Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize