dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
