sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
