Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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