I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
