At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
