Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize