Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
