My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
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