Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
